The Tao of Kate

One Crazy Weekend

2008-06-17T02:58:47Z

Well, I always knew I'd post when I had some significant event happen that I needed to reflect on. This journal is beneficial mostly for me to get my thoughts organized or understand what is happening, and not necessarily to entertain my audience, but I do think those of you that read this will find this to be an intriguing weekend story. This weekend was my last one to work (my last day was yesterday). I'm now unemployed (I enjoy stifling a smile as I tell people this, but I think most know that I'm "between jobs") and am just beginning to relax after a long stressful weekend. What was supposed to be an exciting weekend complete with a goodbye party at work turned sour on Friday night.

As I mentioned in my previous entry, I dropped Jon off at the airport on Wednesday afternoon so he could vacation with his aunt, cousin and other relatives as they spread his uncle's ashes near the family cabin in Deadwood, SD. His uncle died unexpectedly last January from complications related to his Type I Diabetes. The trip was meant to celebrate his life, and offer some closure. By Friday, I had been communicating with Jon here and there, but mostly not expecting to hear much from him. Jon called me that evening sounding fatigued and ready to cry. Expecting him to tell me he was sad about his uncle's memorial tribute, he instead told me he was at a hospital in South Dakota and that his aunt, Susan, had an anuerysm. I just about dropped the phone, this was the furthest from the last thing I was expecting to hear. His 46 year old aunt was suffering a bursted anuerysm near the lower right area of her brain stem, and was near death. He told me they had initially brought her to a hospital an hour away from the cabin, but she had to be flown by plane to the Sanford Hospital in Sioux Falls. Jon had just arrived at this hospital baffled and tired about everything that had gone on that day. I began bawling, and felt my heart sink. I felt so lost about what to do because it was my last weekend of work and there was a work party for me on Sunday, and I knew I couldn't be in two places at once.

I really learned a lot about myself that night. Initially, I had panicked and and was pacing my apartment trying to figure out what to do. Jon was begging me to come out as soon as possible. I was ready to hop in the car and drive that night to where he and his aunt were. Yet I noticed that over time, I got myself to calm down and rationalize the situation. Later that night we learned that the neurosurgeon had seen her and declared that the anuerysm was operable and that it could wait until the morning. I decided to continue with my work weekend, and take off immediately after work on Sunday and pray that I wasn't too late.

Saturday was a very intense day. Susan went into brain surgery at 8 AM, and I ordered Jon to page me on my beeper while I was at work if he had any news-- good or bad. Throughout the course of the day in phone conversation, I learned that Susan went to bed Thursday night complaining of a bad headache, and was lurking around throughout the night attempting to diminish the pain. By 2 AM, Jon woke up to his cousin screaming. Jon and some other relatives found Susan collapsed on the floor in the bedroom. She was behaving the way someone that was extremely intoxicated and ready to pass out would behave which obviously confused them because they knew she hadn't drank much that evening. Confused about what to do, they sat with her the remainder of the night trying to decipher her behavior and debate about whether they should trek to the hospital which was about an hour from the cabin. She was mostly incoherent, usually babbling or talking about stuff that wasn't relevant.

Her surgery was meant to last between 3-6 hours, but took 8. I was very preoccupied at work, calling Jon constantly and wanting updates that he didn't have. I checked my voicemail hourly, but Jon never left me any messages. Around 2pm, with only an hour remaining of my shift, I called my voicemail from the desk I was stationed at. That was a big mistake. I had a message, but it was from my mom, not Jon. She called to let me know she was at the nursing home and that my 96 year old grandpa had lost all color in his face, stopped talking, and was laying in bed, unconscious, and dying. This was a huge slap in the face. It was a little less shocking, as we've been expecting news of this sort for the past 15 years. Everyone was at the nursing home saying goodbye to him. I felt very frustrated because I didn't want to have to cope with another event and a funeral. I called my mom for a briefing and she told me that he just did not look good and that he could die in an hour, a day, two weeks or just turn back around and be ok. No one knew what was wrong with him. The staff had laid him peacefully in bed hooked to oxygen, but they had no intent to treat him...this was his time to go. I don't even think I really cried, I was more in shock and lost in a shuffle of uncertainty about Susan's anuerysm.

My coworker, Jeanna, and I had plans to go to the art festival in downtown Minneapolis after work and I felt like I should stick with those plans. I asked my mom if it was ok if I stopped by to say goodbye after the festival because I just needed some time to relax and be distracted from the events of the past 24 hours. I was struggling so hard to fall back into my usual "contentd" equallibrium, so this was my way of trying to be normal for a little whle. Around 4pm, my sister (who had just arrived (conveniently) in Minneapolis that day to start her Midwifery internship) was just leaving the nursing home. Her news was nothing short of a miracle. When she went in to say goodbye to him, she placed her hand on his to squeeze it and his previously motionless and lifeless body suddenly squeezed her hand back. She pulled the other family members into the room to show them what happened when he suddenly opened his eyes very slowly. Perhaps not more than just tiny slits, but he was seeing the family surrounding his bed. Over the course of the next hour or two, he began to talk, and gain the color back in his face. By the time I was ready to go to the nursing home, my mom told me that they had all left because he was doing better, and that I could save my visit for the next day (which was father's day).

Jon called me around the same time and told me that Susan was out of a successful 8 hour surgery. I need to skip ahead here because the entry is going so long and quite frankly, I'm now sick of typing. I was very eager about driving to Sioux Falls on Sunday after work. My day was very bittersweet, as I was saying goodbye to all my coworkers. They threw me a really kick ass party, I was so touched. I received a card from all of them with the sweetest things. They had also chipped in together and bought a cake for me from Costco. I was so pleased to end this job on such a positive and uplifting note despite everyting else happening that weekend. I first stopped at the nursing home after work to see my grandpa and wish him happy father's day. He was not himself, he was eventually diagnosed with his everlasting bladder infections (from his catheter) and was in a lot of pain. He suffers from dementia and sometimes yells. It's hard to grasp to what extent that what happened on Saturday was still lingering, because he is never himself when he has infections. I offered to give him water through a straw and he stared at me blankly for a few seconds as though he was processing what I was saying, but then he hollered at me, "NOOO!!". Everyone laughed, but I was a little startled.

I drove 3 hours and 15 minutes straight last night to Sioux Falls for my final venture. The general tone Jon had been giving me after Suzy's surgery the night before and through the day yesterday was very positive, so I was feeling less aprehensive and very eager to finally be there with him as he had been waiting anxiously for me to come. I arrived last night and was greeted by Jon's mom, sister (Laura) and cousin (Randi). Jon described to me before I arrived what Susan looked like. The right side of her face was swollen, he said, a bandage covered her surgical incision and a drainage tube was attached to the side of her head to relieve any pressure in her brain. Since the right side of her brain was swollen from surgery, her left side was pretty limp. Her hair had been shaved off to accommodate for the surgery. Overall, he told me that she looked different. They had just taken out the breathing tube, and she was breathig on her own, but she remained in an induced coma that the nurses were hoping to taper off within the next 24 hours.

Susan remains in the intensive care unit, which offers one to one patient care. I was very nervous about seeing her because I have never seen anyone in a coma before. Last night was a very enlightening experience for me. Susan may have had her eyes closed, but she was very active and responsive physically. The breathing tube scratched her throat and was so painful upon removal that she won't be able to speak well or at all for another few days. Randi was able to ask her yes or no questions, and Susan would give her the thumbs up or thumbs down sign. When we told her we were leaving last night and that she should say goodbye, she waved her hand. The doctors and nurses are indicating that Suzy is not showing an early signs of any sort of disability which is wonderful news. Last night the nurse pinched her toes which helps indicate response signs of brain damage. Susan said "ouch" and gave the nurse the finger (haha). This is a miraculous recovery thus far, as many that have aneurysms or strokes will show signs of brain damage whether it's in the form of cognitive impairment or physical disabilities. It scares me though, that just a week ago, her life was entirely different. To be able to see what she looks now would probably scare her, and it is good that she will only gradually gain consciousness so she can slowly grasp what has happened.

Regardless of this positive ending, Suzy is not out of the woods. Friday and Saturday were extremely frightening days where death was very possible. Her speedy recovery from the surgery is very comforting, but the neurosurgeon said that some of the most critical days are around 9-10 days after a stroke or aneurysm. This is when the brain may start developing spasms, causing the veins to constrict. She must stay in the ICU for 14 days so that if this does happen, they will be able to halt it immediately. When we left, her eyes weren't open, but I'm assuming by now that they are starting to open. Jon and I drove home this morning and we'll continue on with our regular schedule (Jon: working, Me: laying around and acting like I'm unemployed). As of now, our plan is to return to Sioux Falls this coming weekend.

This past weekend was one of those times where life just irks you. It shakes you to the core and you wind up coming out of it feeling though you understand life just a bit more and realize how important your loved ones are and how fragile life is. I understand the meaning of "one day at a time" now more than ever before. My life is usually planned out in weekly or monthly increments, but this weekend I was planning my schedule in 2-3 hour increments. It was increasingly frustrating, but each piece of news makes you that much more grateful. We arrived home this afternoon sighing with relief...at least temporarily. I'm not certain what this week will bring, but it feels good for now to be able to incorporate ourselves back into a normal schedule after such a rough sleep deprived weekend. More to come...

So This is Adulthood?

2008-06-12T01:55:20Z

It's downpour rain out and I'm sitting at my parent's house in Eagan determined to work on my master's project which isn't due until August. It's a bit tempting to slack off when it's not due for another 2 months. Jon told me some wicked scary true ghost story just before I dropped him off at the airport this afternoon. So when I dropped him off and his bid adieu was, "ok, well have fun this week being alone in the apartment!" paired with the dark and stormy weather outside, I think it's easy to see why I was inclined to spend the night at my parent's house. So, I sit next to the window at my safe and comfortable parent's house relieved that my parents can provide me some sort of security tonight that I wouldn't sense alone tonight at my own apartment in downtown Minneapolis (even with all those people walking around outdoors at all hours of the night!?).

Jon and I just returned home from a nice weekend up north with my parents. We had a chance to sit down with them and really discuss the wedding next year, and decide on how to choose a church. We're battling a slight obstacle with finding a minister or priest that will marry us since we're "cohabitating" (I think this is my dad's new favorite word). It's so interesting that relationships have evolved so much in the past 30 years that it seems typical now for a couple to live together before marriage. Even more so, I estimate that about a third of our patients at the hospital are single moms having babies, and about a quarter have the father of the baby sign recognition of parentage papers.

My dad is a family and marriage psychologist who trains clergy on pre-marital counseling. He says many of them are starting to adjust their beliefs. While they are not ok with cohabitation, they don't want to be denying couples marriage because the church wants people to get married when it's the right person, and not deny them of this religious ritual. It's a tricky subject, I struggled for awhile trying to figure out if I wanted to live with Jon or not. I had vowed for a long time that Jon and I wouldn't live together until we got married, if only because it saved a lot of headache and grief from the family and relatives, but also because it created a sense of excitement and mystery to get married to your partner and wonder with excitement and curiosity what it would be like to live with them after the wedding. I think some couples who use the excuse of, "I don't need a piece of paper to prove that I love my signficant other" say it because it's so easy to move in with your S.O. that the actual marriage almost seems unnecessary if you're not religious.

When Jon proposed last month, I actually commented to him that I didn't feel any different now that I was engaged. He made some insightful remarks by saying that first, I knew the proposal was coming, and second, we already live together, so there was going to be no excitement thinking about what it would be like to actually live with him. Regardless, it was a nice proposal and ring, and I'm very excited to start planning the wedding!

In other news, I graduated with my MPH (just need to complete that master's project over the summer.) That was an enlightenting experience since graduations have typically bored me in the past, and seemed almost unnecessary. I never felt too accomplished when I obtained my high school or college degree because it was expected that I finish high school and proceed on to college. With my master's degree, this was my choice, and mine to own. I felt very proud to receive it. I suppose it helped that I was offered a super awesome job at the Diabetes Center at Park Nicollet a week later :) I'm so excited to be able to move forth in my life and start my actual career doing work I am absolutely passionate about. Suddenly, I feel like I just entered adulthood. As I type this, I'm just feeling very content with the way things have worked out. I'm happy that after all I have endured the past few months hunting for a job and wondering with high anticipation how long it would take, things really do work out in the end....

Granola Bars and Kate is a Match Made in Heaven

2008-02-06T22:48:51Z

Gasp! An entry!? After returning home from class this afternoon, and reading my new total student loan statement for both undergrad and graduate school, I became pretty depressed and ate 2 granola bars and a couple Hershey's kisses. I wasn't even hungry...UGH. I can't just settle down to my reading assignments, so I decided to post a long overdue entry to my audience of all 2 of you (3 actually...if you count me nagging Jon to read my latest entry while he's busy at work).
My life is starting to wind down, settling gradually into that adult ease we all covet for when we're overworked students just eager to graduate. I only have to attend part time this semester as I took some classes last summer in order to relax more this semester (good thinking, Kate!). I plan ahead very well. I told my mom the other night that I have a very developed prefrontal cortex (responsible primarily for planning and decision making. A teenager's prefrontal lobes are immature which explains their tendency to engage in destructive behavior), and that I get it from my dad who is ten times worse than I am. This trait is both an asset and a hinderance to my personality. I can't stand being out past 11:00pm because all I can think about is how it will throw my sleep schedule off, how I'll have to sleep past (gasp!) 9:00am the next day and it will push the rest of my day's schedule off. This makes me a very annoying and crabby girl at 11:00pm in the middle of a noisy bar. At least I'm not like my dad, he yells if you're out talking to your own mother in the living room past 10:30 because it's keeping him awake. It also makes me very rigid in my planning, I like things to be structured in my day so that it's all taken care of as early in the morning as possible. It's why I prefer to exercise in the morning, start work early at 7am etc. My sister, on the other hand, is very spontaneous and makes her plans as she goes. I'm sure you can see that we clash sometimes when I'm visiting her in Denver. Not that I don't love spontaneity, but it must take place after my "planned" schedule is complete (is that really spontaneous?).
On the other hand, it works to my benefit because I am very disciplined in what I do. My marathon training was very planned out, I would never weasle my way out of the training unless it was raining, and my exercising is just a part of my regular daily schedule now, there is just no room for saying, "no, I don't feel like it today", I just don't go there. Usually when I'm out running, I'm thinking about how the blood is flowing through me, unclogging my aterties and how I will thank myself when I'm 60 years old. This is obviously an exaggeration, as I can't predict my own future, but I do think far into the future when I make major decisions, but it can also be a source of anxiety.
After 3 years of dating, Jon and I have finally decided to take the plunge (or maybe I finally decided?) and move in together. As many of you know, I was very against this for myself in the first 2 years that Jon and I dated. I did not feel cohabitating before marriage was the right thing for me. I don't mind if other couples do it, that's their life choice to make. In the past 10 months, I had been giving serious thought as to whether Jon is "the one". When I decided over time that he truly was, then I became more comfortable with the moving in together. Economically, it made sense since we could share a 1 bedroom. And why would I spend time finding a new roommate this year when Jon is available? I know and understand the reasons why cohabitating may increase the likelihood of divorce. So after much thought, I know that I am making a responsible decision, and know that I am doing it for the "right" reasons (which I'm not going to get into for the sake of how long this entry already is).
We sign the lease on February 15th, and we'll hopefully be moved in by the end of the month. The apartment is a 1 bedroom plus den in Elliot Park. We're situated on the eastern edge of downtown Minneapolis, and 2 blocks from the Metrodome. The building itself was built in 2000 as part of the "Clean up" initiative that lowered crime rates in neighborhoods of Minneapolis. The building is super nice, and I am so incredibly excited about it. Hopefully an engagement ring is coming very soon (you know, as I haven't reminded Jon about 3 times a week for the past 2 months that I'm ready and that I'll say "yes" (wouldn't it be funny if I said "no" after all this?)).
Anyway, there goes the story of my life. I'm pretty complacent with things right now, probably because I'm a little too oblivious to what I should care about. I'm too busy reading textbooks, novels, working and attending classes to gather myself in my own thoughts and reflect on that. Hence, the limited number of entries I post now, I just simply don't think too much in depth about my life, I'd rather be distracted by something else. But now I seriously should be moving on to more productive activites such as watching Sex and the City and reading the comics. Guten Tag!

Our Beloved 35W Bridge

2007-08-10T22:40:23Z

Hola! A post, finally! I don't settle myself long enough to gather thoughts, nonetheless, to write about them. I sit here smiling as I love the summertime. Yesterday and today have been my 2 days off work and the first time since last January where I've not worried about completing a homework assignment or attending classes. My online class just finished last week, and I have a few weeks off before school starts again. I topped my spring semester off with straight A's (go Kate!) and then spent 3 weeks during the month of June doing an internship at Planned Parenthood in Denver. Since then, I've been working nearly full time and spending time with my family and Jon, as we both are embracing the slower days of work and school in the summertime.

Surely everyone has become saturated with the news images, stories and articles regarding the 35W bridge collapse. So overdone that I found myself yelling to Jon one night, "has anything else happened in Minneapolis lately besides bridges collapsing!?" I have become so densitized to it, and find myself watching the news only to change the channel the minute the bridge is being discussed. Last Wednesday, the things I did, the people I saw prior to the collapse are so vividly etched in my memory and probably always will be because I was on that bridge about 4 hours before it collapsed. I drove by the bridge on I-94 about 5 minutes before it collapsed. I decided on that particular evening not to watch my usual local news with dinner. Instead, I was watching a DVD for about a half hour, completely unaware of what was happening one mile north of my apartment. Jon called me from his business trip in Chicago at about 6:45 and asked me to put on the news, so I changed to the TV input. My initial reaction was confusion and a little bit of a chuckle. The news said, "the bridge at I-35W and University Ave collapsed". My first instinct was the University Ave bridge collapsed over 35W which would suck, but is not as much of a catastrophe. "No, Kate, no, the 35W bridge, Kate, come on, we drive over it all the time! It's in the water!", Jon was saying over and over. I couldn't put it together, I wasn't able to pinpoint the location that it collapsed. I then saw the well known 10th Ave bridge on the news and saw it running parallel to the now collapsed 35W bridge and it clicked. I was yelling, "holy shit! Holy shit!" over and over. For a split second, my eyes began to water as the shock of what this was truly began to sink in. I immediately hung up the phone with him and attempted to call 2 other people, but already, the cell phone lines were tied up as everyone was on their phones calling.

At the risk of sounding dramatic, the next 2.5 hours following the news were probably one of the most unforgettable nights of my life. I grabbed my camera and keys, and hopped on my bike almost immediately to the sight. Not so much because I was overly sentimental or thought this news was a huge deal, but moreso because I've always secretly loved photography, and never was able to pursue it to the extent I wanted to. My camera is a hand me down from my sister and brother in law, and it enjoys adding a blue-ish tint when it becomes sunset, it's mostly a peice of crap. I have no inkling as to what "good photography" is, but I do know what I like and I try to replicate that. I first arrived at 7 Corners to police cars and sirens lined up and down the street. It just sent chills up my spine. My eyes just wandered absorbing what was happening around me with such disbelief. I thought everyone who was on the bridge had inevitably died. I followed swarms of people like the masses seen at the State Fair. I biked the circumference of the collapse site in the high humidity without water and without cash to buy any. I didn't care, I just wanted not to miss a moment. I was on my phone with people on and off, sirens were wailing here and there, I was in everyone's way, police were shooing me and others from locations that were now verboten, but I still got my pictures. I observed the reactions of other Minnesotans who were more curious than sad. The scene was organized chaos. I truly admired the way the hospitals, the city of Minneapolis, and the police handled the event in such a short amount of time. I greatly respect their ability to hold it together. I'll probably never see anything like this again in my life, the emotions and reactions that radiated through that night. The way people just looked at you with eyes that said, "can you believe it?" The sounds of sirens projecting so loudly you barely even noticed they were there after awhile. Even the temperature and humidity had a way of pressing against you as though something eerie was floating in the air. As the night began to close and it became too dark for photos, I found myself having a difficult time leaving. I didn't want to break away from what I was feeling, and I wanted to watch events unravel all night.

That night, I couldn't fall asleep. The images that ran in my head, the events, the people, sirens and everything else that was bustling around me that night had shaken me so to the core that my mind wouldn't slow down enough to allow me to fall asleep. I thought about how just a month earlier, Jon was teasing me for becoming so excited as we did our regular commute over the bridge and I exclaimed how pretty the Old Mill District and skyline were. Several times thereonafter, when we crossed the bridge, Jon would tug at my shirt and go, "Look Kate! Look at how pretty it is!" in his mocking tone. I finally took a sleep aid that conked me out around 1:30AM. The next few days afterwards and until now, I've become so densensitized to it and become extremely frustrated with traffic, I've been contemplating moving come December so I'll be closer to my job, while still being near campus.

It intrigues me that something like this has happened so close to home, and while I hold sympathy for those that died, I really don't think this event emits the sort of emotion the media is conveying. The bridge repair is costly, gas tax is inevitable, traffic is a bitch. We are without a scenic bridge for the next year or two, but it will come back, hopefully with 10 lanes and a light rail running through it. I'm glad that while the nation and Bush stand on edge about when the next terrorist attack will happen, we are hit in the face with the unexpected. Can't blame them though, who ever would have imagined that the bridge you drive on your daily commute, would just up and collapse one day?

Deaths and The Media

2007-04-27T18:13:41Z

MMMM...it's another day off from all the chaos that involves my life. My mom and I are visiting the Bob Dylan exhibit on campus this afternoon before it shuts down on Sunday. My dad and her went a few weeks ago, but apparently my mom just couldn't get through it all on one visit. She went to every station, listened to every audio and saw every video recording. My dad advised I take her back and "set a time limit" with her. I think he gets a little jealous sometimes of how huge of a crush my mom has on Bob Dylan. On the side of the Weismen museum is a banner ad for the exhibit with this aberrant looking yet still very oddly handsome image of Dylan in his 20s. He has this distinguishing look about him that makes me penetrate my stare at the banner whenever I'm on campus near the museum. I know very little about him except that his lyrics are wonderful and his singing voice is questionable.

Life has taking some interesting twists over the past week. My classmate that I wrote about in the previous entry died suddenly last Friday. Although it was never explicitly stated, I'm assuming it was a hospital infection, as I think she never awoke from her coma and thus was immobile. It still shakes me that something like this could happen to someone so young. Two days later, I received a call from my dad that a family and church friend of the past 20 years died unexpectedly. This is a huge upset to my parents as this is someone of simliar age to them who died so quickly of a condition no one was aware he had. I think it makes them question their own health because no one at that age is "ready" to die, but it happens. He died of an aortic aneurysm that caused him to internally bleed to death. It irks me that even a week ago, he was still alive and had no idea that his funeral was going to be 5 days later.

I am a little shaken at the recent incidences, as this now totals 3 "unexpected and untimely" deaths in the past 3 weeks (my boyfriend's relative also died a few weeks ago). I began to wonder how likely premature death is for someone of my age. It seems particuarly fitting that in my epidemiology and biostatistics class over the past 2 weeks we've been discussing life tables and survival curves. I am able to evidently prove to myself that the odds of me dying at the age of 24 years old barely exceeds above the 0.0 horizontal axis.

Since I could not attend the funeral yesterday for our family friend, I went to the visitation with my parents the day before that. This was the first time that I've seen a dead body, as many of the few funerals I've attened in my life have been closed caskets or "memorials". I couldn't help but stare at the body and whisper to my dad how weird it was to be viewing a lifeless body. My dad commented he barely recognized him becuase he lost all color in face. I half excepted a finger to move, a twitch in the body, or even worse, for him to open his eyes and look over and say "oh..hey!" A peculiar thought, but I've never seen someone with their eyes closed lay so perfectly still before. It was my slap in the face, it was the shock sinking in that he really was dead.

On a related note to the media, I'm so sick of the media over-sensationalizing all the recent events of Don Imus and Virginia Tech. After reading the email last week that the U of MN had the bomb threat and students were evacuating 8 buildings, I quickly biked to campus to watch the events unravel. To be honest, there was nothing to see, but I sensed the camarderie on campus to be different than usual. A large mass of students were hanging out on the east side of Northrop mall and across the street at Coffman throwing frisbees around and watching the police run around. No one thought there was actually a bomb, if we did, why would we play frisbee on the mall? Regardless, students and workers were striking conversations with me. It was interesting that we immediately had a tangent to get us conversing. Many of them had a thing or two to remark about Virginia Tech. Most commented on the tendency for there to be "copy cats" after incidences like Virginia Tech. I remember with Columbine feeling so shaken by what had happen. A rumor had leeked that the city of Eagan and Columbine High School/Littleon were of similar demographics and population size and that EHS was "next"....WHAT? There is no way you can predict such a randomized shooting like that.

Now the media goes on and on about how this could have been prevented, how all the warning signs were out there, how the gun was purchased on the internet blah blah blah. I'm surprised that there are no overabundance of comments blaming video games and music lyrics. Its human nature to disect devestating incidences that cause us to fear things we can't control. We dig so hard to find ways for us to forsee events like these so that we don't become the next victim. There is only one person to blame for this event and that is the killer. Don't blame the judge for not sentancing him to inpatient therapy, or the police for not forewarning students in classrooms of a campus killer on the loose. The only person that could have prevented this randomized and isolated incident was the killer himself. The media puts everyone into a frenzy, thinking about exciting topics such as this that penetrate our thoughts, keep us occupied and offer conversations at family dinners. We promote it, but at the same time, is it really healthy for us to place so much of our thoughts on things that are not likely to happen to us?

I'm beginning to roll my eyes at the local news channels for their comments on society. They report news out of the ordinary, and what is out of the ordinary? The "bad" things. Our society is good and we draw to the unsual events because what deviates from the norm is interesting. Everywhere I read, something bad is happening in the world, but everywhere I go and everywhere I look, all I see is the good. Lest we not forget that. Surely I'm not always going to resilient to what happens around me in the community and I need to be careful and conscius enough to not step into paths that are dangerous, but why waste my energy feeling depressed about the world?

Oh my, I actually posted!?

2007-04-13T22:16:04Z

I haven't posted here since Christmas. As I noted in that entry, I only feel compelled to write an entry when something interesting happens, otherwise I feel like I'm writing about my mundane little life to an audience about all 2 of you. I'm sitting here at Jon's apartment, waiting for him to get home from work so I have some free time. I just got done running 6 miles, so I have a really great runner's high, thus, I'm going to be a little more upbeat than usual.

I've never been so much an activist for anything, very little of what goes on in society provokes me to the point I feel I have to voice my opinion or take action. Maybe that's not a good thing, but on the other hand, I'm a pretty mellow person. A few days ago I was working at the hospital when a patient was admitted to our floor as an antepartum patient. She was involved in a motor vehicle accident, and I had to put a chart together for her. I wrote her diagnosis as "MVA", and didn't think too much about it. A few hours later, I was walking down the hall and crossed paths with her in a wheelchair and the nursing assistant who was returning her back to our floor after an ultrasound. I overheard (yes, Kate actually overheard a conversation, imagine that) say she was hit by a drunk driver. I didn't comment anything to her, but almost immediately, it was as though the blood started flowing inside me super fast, and I become very upset. For years, it's been engrained in my head to not drink and drive. However, I have never been passionate about the drinking and driving issue, it has never affected me until now. For some unknown reason, this patient's accident really hit a nerve with me and suddenly, I wanted to voice my opinion to the idiot that did this to her and her baby.

It seems almost too fitting that the next day, I was informed that a classmate of mine was involved in a serious car accident. Had she not been so close to a hospital at the time of the accident, she would've most likely died. Instead, she's in a coma with no prognosis as to whether she'll wake up or not. I was just shocked upon hearing the news, and extremely sad. The man that hit her had 3 other offenses for driving while impaired, and had 2 times the blood alcohol limit when he hit her. In a matter of just a few days, I am becoming infuriated by people who have such little control of how much alcohol they consume, that they have become repeated offenders of drinking and driving. It creeps me out that I had just seen this girl a few days earlier, and she had her whole life planned out having no idea it may all have been a waste because she now lies in a coma. It scares me to think that I could wake up one morning and be dead by the end of the day.

This is why I am in public health. We focus so intently on preventative care because ultimately, that saves us the most money and saves ourselves in the long run. However, it is not easy to motivate people to look out for their futures. Instead of fining and punishing this man, its crucial that he receives treatment for his alcoholism. Why are we jailing and fining citizens and releasing them after they've done their time? If you ask these people if they want to be alcoholics, if they want to be depressed, unemployed, malnourished, obese etc. they are not going to say yes. Most likely they aren't choosing this, its rooted so deeply in genetics, family upbringing, and what I am hoping to study as an epidemiologist-prenatal exposures.

On an entirely different note, life is going well. I am at a moment where I sit back and can just smile because I feel my life is on the right track and I'm happier than I've ever been before. Sometimes I sit in class and just smile to myself because I am actually intrigued by what I am learning. It is so relevant to my future. This summer, I am traveling to Denver for 3 weeks and performing a 3 week internship at Planned Parenthood. I am going to be working on a project, and also following a medical physician around to various clinics and assist her in whatever way I can. I am thrilled about this. Like last year, I am going to run the 10 mile Garden of the Gods race in Colorado Springs while I'm there. The summer is going to be extremely busy, with working, my class, and I am lining up another volunteer job at Park Nicollet conducting research. On top of that, I'm going to squeeze in as many Twins games as possible.

Jon just returned home, so I better end this here. Guten tag!

Reflections on Christmas

2006-12-26T02:05:38Z

It's been well over 2 months since I've last posted an entry. Life gets less sentimental when you're running around and not truly observing and absorbing the feelings that tie with whatever it is you're doing. Today I felt I had something worthy of writing about, considering it is Christmas and I care more about my family than I ever did before.

I stuffed myself silly with food to the extent that I was ready to take a nap at the table last night. Likewise, this morning I woke up and was not even hungry to eat breakfast. My grandma still annoyingly asks me "how many points are in that?" I have to kindly explain to her that I "graduated" weight watchers 2 years ago and haven't gained an ounce. Last night my aunt put out the most scrumptious high fat con queso dip possible, all the cousins devoured it in one sitting. My mom declared that we are no longer buying Egg Nog becuase it is "So bad for you" (Since when). This was to my disappointment since Egg Nog has been the family tradition since I was born. Luckily, my dad was not partaking in this conversation, noticed the void and went a special trip to the store to purchase two cartons. My mom can't blame him considering on one ever discussed this ultimate decision she made.

Today we celebrated with my mom's side of the family. It has been a year of health issues and hardships, as my grandpa was moved to the "Care Suites" of a Burnsville facility...one notch up from nursing home but not quite as indepent as "assisted living". It breaks his heart being away from my grandmother, and I know she struggled with the decision for a long time to the point she was very depressed. Overall, it may have been the best decision to make, as now she can make the move over to assisted living in the same building that my grandpa resides in. I see the way my grandpa grabs hold of my grandma at family functions, he kisses her hand, squeezes it hard and smiles at her like a lovesick puppy. It is so very sweet. This afternoon during gift opening, something made me almost shed a tear (which I never do in front of my family). My uncle decided to take my grandma out for a professional photo a few days ago and give her picture in frame as a gift. My grandpa was unaware that he had done this. I watched as he opened his 8x10 frame with a glowing picture of my grandma. I observed his face as he saw what photo it was in his hand, he opened his mouth real wide as though he were about to smile and then he his eyes started getting watery with happy tears. I don't know if anyone else who was watching him open his gift noticed that he was crying. I've never seen my grandpa cry before, so maybe that is what shocked me was watching an adult cry. Its amazing to know that a man can feel this way about his wife after 60+ years of marriage. It saddens me that they can no longer live under the same roof, and I think that is what troubles my grandpa the most is that what he knows best is suddenly taken away from him.

I think about what he has gone through the past few years. He is the early stages of Alzheimers. It amazes me sometimes the way his mind functions, some days you feel like he can barely muster a coherent conversation that extends beyond a question/answer session, and other days when I think he's not really with the conversation, he suddenly pipes up a cracks a joke relevant to the conversation. We all laugh not just because it may be funny, but maybe because it makes us feel good that his mind is still sharp enough that he can find even make a joke. My mom told me a story a month ago about my grandparents back in the 1940s right after they had gotten married. My grandpa grew up in a family of 6 boys and had a minister as a father. They were offered a free house, yet his family was relatively poor. At dinner, they were to trained to eat as fast as they could if they wanted to have seconds because there was never enough food to fully feed the family of 8. Needless to say, when my grandparents married and bought a tiny house in St. Louis Park for about $3,000, it shook my grandpa's family to the core. They were not used to such luxury and say this "investment" as a huge mistake that would put them in poverty. A few months into their marriage, my grandpa went off to work for the day, my grandma stayed at home and his brothers showed up at the door knowing he would be out of the house at work. They sat my grandma down and scared her, telling her what a big mistake it was buying this house and that it was her fault that my grandpa made such a rash decision about buying a house. My grandma was terribly upset that they barged into her house knowing full well that they could potentially put her in a corner while my grandpa was away to tell her all the things she was doing wrong to my grandpa. My grandma has always been a level headed calm person, and so she was able to not let what they had to say influence her. Nonetheless, it was still disconcerting to them that it had happened at all.

I've always felt that my grandparent's marriage was the epitome as to what all marriages should be. They both started childhood in poverty, and were able to make establish themselves by finding something they were good at but also enjoyed doing. They also made some very wise investments, and are experiencing a very healthy retirement financially. It surprised me to hear this story about my grandpa's brothers who always seemed to me as a large part of their lives, people that really cared about each other. In my own life, I can't think of a better lesson than this. It's always best to shake off all bad advice, and trust your instincts. I hope that someday I'm able to be in my grandparent's shoes and know that I lived a good life full of good loving family, hard work, and a relaxing retirement.

DNF (an incredibly long reflection)

2006-10-02T18:13:09Z

I hesitate to post this now the day after the marathon considering I'm still not sure how I feel about what happened, but at the same time, I'm probably offering a lot of insight while it's still fresh in my mind.
I pulled a Bode Miller...I didn't finish. I dropped out just before the mile 22 marker and in retrospect, I'm uncertain if that was the right decision or not. At that point in time, both psychologically and physically I felt I couldn't finish, but now I debate how much of an influence my psyche had on it.
Yesterday morning I woke up in Jon's bed to a dreadful feeling of "ugh, I don't know if I can do this." Clearly, anyone would assume it was nerves and just being modest to avoid feeling bad later. Jon and I arrived at the dome to a large mass of people lined up to use about 25 port-o-potties (sp?). There were about 15 people in line for each of them. Being efficient thinkers, we stumbled into the dome and I got a stall right away in the girl's bathroom. People were psyched up and ready to go. Hugging family, stretching, drinking coffee. It was a cheerful morning as the sun was out and it was promising to be a nice day. I started out relatively strong. I enjoyed the run for the first half of the marathon. Around mile 6 at the north side of Lake Harriet we ran across an ambulance coming behind us. Then I noticed a small group of people surrounding a man in his 40s or 50s laying on the ground. I assumed it was a cardiac arrest because they were doing CPR. I found out later that he is the 2nd person in the Twin Cities Marathon history (25 years) to die of a heart attack. That was very scary and I feel terrible for his family. My parents started chasing me around the course trying to find me around mile 10. I saw them several times and they were super excited to see me doing well.
I was really enjoying my time out there and nice and relaxed. Around mile 15, however, I saw out of my peripheral vision a red vehicle trailing next to me. I looked over just as a course marshall ran by me and told me that this vehicle was pacing a 13:45 minute mile pace. This is the absolute slowest you can go if you want to finish the race in 6 hours (the time they close the race). I became so flustered and upset that I was running that slow. I had NO IDEA I was running so slowly. Sometimes when teachers administer tests they tell you that you have 2 hours to take the test, but that most people finish in 30 minutes. This is how I felt about the marathon. So I was shocked and distraught. I began running very fast to get away from the vehicle and this just killed my stomach. It began burning which started messing with my "can do" mentality. When I saw my parents again I told them what was happening, but they told me to ignore it and keep going. I became paranoid that the truck was going to catch up with me again and throughout the rest of the race I kept turning around to ensure it wasn't trailing me. Sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn't.
Next to my apartment, roughly the 19.5 mile marker, I saw my parents and Jon again. At this point, I was very upset but kept going. Jon walked with me for about 1/3 of a mile as I talked about painful it was to run and how I couldn't do it and finish in under 6 hours. He kept telling me to look ahead, I can do it, I can do it. I told him I was dropping out, but he wouldn't hear of it. This is a memory of Jon I'm going to keep forever. I don't think he realizes how much it meant to me that he was so excited and walking by my side, encouraging me. Later he told me he felt terrible that I didn't finish and that next year we'd run the marathon together (I laughed in his face).
After he left, the vehicle caught up to me and then passed me. I was officially on my own. There were other runners behind me struggling as well, but the race became a joke to me. The specatators that were cheering me on and motivating me prior to this had suddenly dispersed to run to the finish line at the capitol. Water stations were being closed down and roads were beginning to open up meaning I would have to run on the sidewalks. I pretty much lost my momentum from there. I began a walk/run pace as my stomach was so bad I felt like I was going to throw up. I kept going though. Finally around mile 21 I began truly contemplating dropping out and what the repercussions would be. I think no one but me will ever know what that felt like. It felt like a horrible decision I had to make. My parents were so excited to watch me run, and to declare to them that I didn't finish felt like the end of the world. At that point, my knee was in excruciating pain, and I knew that it would take me another hour before I got to the finish line and I just wasn't sure if my knee would heal if I kept going. In an instant, I announced to the volunteer I was dropping out.
I was allowed to hop on the bus with other runners who had done the same thing. I expected that I was going to break down and cry in frustration, but instead I couldn't help but feel relief that it was over. All that anticipation, pain, and agony over the past year were finally over. As I sat on the bus waiting to be brought to the finish line, I felt this despondent overtone throughout the bus. We were all sitting there wondering if we made the right decision, if we were just in over our heads. I talked to the lady next to me who looked very much in shape. She looked as though internally she was fighting the negative feelings of not finishing. She told me her stomach hurt which is why she dropped out. The other runners looked and felt OK, but I think we were all just wanting to sit in silence and reflect on the run. I started talking to the volunteer on the bus that was taking numbers to report to marathon officials about who had dropped out. She was very encouraging and tried to make us feel better. I told her why I wanted to run the marathon, and that I miscalculated how fast I could run and that furthermore, I just wasn't able to pick up the pace and that it killed my spirit when that vehicle was trailing me.
When the bus dropped us off at the finish line I was in such horrible pain walking up and down trying to find my roommate and parents who probably hadn't realized yet that I had dropped out on Summit Ave. I watched the finishers and wondered if I ever would have finished had I not made that instant decision, and whether I would be in much worse conditions than I was at that time. Finally, I saw my parents. They were super excited to see me and I wasn't sure they knew I had dropped out. I began to cry, the first time I've cried in front of them since I was about 13 years old. But the tears stopped after 30 seconds and I felt OK. I told them I didn't finish and they said it was OK, they were so happy I made it as far as I did. They said they were very proud of me for running 22 miles, that it was more than they ever could do. I don't konw if they're disappointed, surely they'd never let me in on that if they were.
After the race I started having bad heart burn and was not very hungry. I lay down in my bedroom and just reflected on the day. It felt like a bunch of bad memories. I don't think I'll ever run a marathon again. Now I am debating about whether I call myself a marathoner. I didn't finish, but I did do all the training and I invested all my excitement and energy into training for it. I did everything right. Overall, I ran for 5 hours and 5 minutes. Surely there are marathoners that finish in less time than that, and they could attest that they'd never be able to run for 5 hours. I'm starting to conclude that running fast is just something my body isn't built for. I'm not sure why, but it is such a struggle for me to run one mile faster than 8:15. That is work for me to do just one mile at that pace, while others tell me that they can run a 5k (3.1 miles) at a 8:30 mile pace. That would kill me.
After the race was over, I snuck over to the finish line and pretended I had just finished so that I could get a finishers t-shirt, which is only allowed to runners that do indeed finish. I felt like I deserved that because in a way I did finish something even if it wasn't 26.2 miles. However, I avoided receiving my medal because I felt I didn't deserve that.
Those are my thoughts. A long entry, but I felt I needed to explain myself. For now, I'm sticking only to 10 milers and half marathons, something I can feasibly do that isn't so hard on the body. It will keep me in great shape, and hopefully I can focus more on speed work, whereas in a marathon, you don't even want to run 26 miles in a training run because it is so rough on the body. Anyway, that's all for now...

Twin Cities Marathon Eve

2006-10-01T03:00:44Z

It's now the night before the marathon. Can you believe it? I've endured this agony for a year now....or maybe just the last month. Over the past few weeks I've been so dreading the marathon wondering if I'll finish it. Now I'm sitting here not really feeling a whole lot. I envisioned the night before that I'd be having panic attacks and difficulty sleeping. In reality I'm just thankful the day has finally arrived, and I'm so ready for it mentally and physically. I'm going to remember it forever.
Last Tuesday was the last day I ran. I wanted to run for 3 miles, but I stopped after 15 minutes before I had sudden knee pain. This pain has slowly crept in as I ran my long runs, but I was able to ignore it enough to finish, but now several days before, I could barely run a mile and I felt something. I stopped myself out of paranoia and decided that was enough for the day. Now I'm on a strict Ibuprofen routine to avoid inflammation. This makes me a little nervous, but everyone says the adrenaline will be going so hard that I'll forget that I'm in pain.
My parents are so excited that I'm doing this run, and I honestly think that is why I'm doing it. On Friday night we went to the Twins game and my dad had asked me to bring a map and pace chart with so he could get an idea of where they wanted to be and when on race day. It was kind of funny regarding the intensity of the game given the Twins are tied for first place in their division, with the crowds roaring that I look over to see my dad staring intently at the race map studying it piece by piece. It kind of made me smile. I think it reminds him of when he trained for it back in 1983, and he's just glad that someone is following in his footsteps. He trained and ran it in the year I got sick, so sometimes I get chills feeling the symbolism as I'm out here now running it 23 years later. As cheesy as it sounds, at some points throughout my training runs, my eyes got misty just thinking about how I'm doing this. It's a sudden rush that goes over me and I feel really proud to do this. But that' s just me...
I'm super excited to be out there, but I'm also so nervous that if I don't finish I'm going to come crashing down. This is something I've built up for a year, I would be very disappointed. My co-workers all advised me that if I endure pain or realize I've hit the wall I can always walk. That is my back up plan and it makes me feel a little better. I told my mom I wasn't sure if I have hit the wall (roughly the 20 mile marker for most runners) during my training runs and my mom remakred, "oh believe me, you'd KNOW". So I guess I haven't and I'm curious as to what it feels like. My dad hit the wall at 18 miles and he couldn't bear it (as most people can't). So we'll see how many calories I can shove in my mouth before my glycogen storage depletes. It feels somewhat like having a baby, it is so painful, yet so satisfying. A little ironic, huh?
Now I'm off to bed. I apologize for the sappiness in this posting, but you don't get it too often in my enteries anymore anyway so I feel it's justified. My next posting will hopefully be me exclaiming that I finished. Goodnight and wish me luck!

$%&$ Money Grubbers

2006-09-21T17:29:38Z

Today I got a parking ticket. In front of the apartment across the street and little to the left, there exists an old "entry" to a driveway. The dimensions of the driveway are probably 8 feet wide by 2 feet in length. The driveway does not exist. There is grass, just like the rest of the area surrounding it. Essentially, it's like a curb but the surface is in the shape of what was probably an old entrance to a parking lot. There is no reason any car would turn into the "entry of the driveway" to park in the grass. There is no reason a contruction vehicle would want to "park in the driveway". This morning I was enraged to see that my car and the car in front of me received a $34 parking ticket for "blocking a driveway". If my car wasn't there, a different car would be. Since we all park there and we're not supposed to, a sign should be posted that says "no parking between signs". Needless to say, I am very grumpy and ready to scream at the City of Minneapolis, Transportation department on yet another one of their corrupt tactics to accrue money at other people's expense. I will not pay it, and I am going to write a letter of complaint and explanation why I will not pay.

Being Nice

2006-09-18T03:42:29Z

These past few weeks have been so hectic you'd be overwhelmed just hearing what I do. I started graduate school and am loving it. My classes are so intriguing and I become excited at the prospects of what my future job will hold. On the hand, I am developing anxiety about the marathon. I ran my last long run before the marathon last Thursday and I came to the realization of, "that's my LAST training run...? GULP". I ran for 4 hours, god knows how long that turned out to be (20+ miles?) and when I finished, it was as though I couldn't budge another step further....how in the world am I going to run for another HOUR? The adrenaline will be going, the fans will cheer, and if I don't finish, I will regret it for a long time thereafter.

Today was a typical day. I picked up extra at work on my off weekend, I caught up on a lot of reading assignments, so it was nice being paid $16/hour (and $30 bonus pay) to do my homework. Aftewards I went for a quick run along the river before heading to my parent's house. Meanwhile, my grandma had been trying to contact me throughout the day claiming she "needed to see me". Of course I want to see my grandma, but the timing is never right. I run around like a chicken with my head cut off from one event to another. While I was eating dinner at my parent's house, my dad advised me that it'd be a really bad idea if I didn't go over there after dinner. Her message claimed that she had something "big for me, but I'd probably be able to carry it." In what I determined was furniture turned out to be something a little less tangible. On my way to my grandma's after dinner I began my usual thought process of "where the hell is my money going to come from this semester?" I owe my parents $500 in car insurance (since my dad was nice enough to let me put it on his credit card as long as I paid him back right away), and I owe my own credit card company $600 in no thanks to IKEA. I began fretting about how this was all going to work out, and when I should pay what bill, how tuition is more than I thought it'd be (stupid student fees), etc. I arrive at my grandma's condo. She is sitting outside waiting for me. She is mostly empty handed except for a knitted washcloth that she made me. She handed it to me and said, "I hope this isn't too big for you". I examined it wondering why it was too big. Then her hand extends again and in it is a beautiful gold lettered check made out to me.....for $1,000.

Isn't it nice to know that the chain of poverty perpetuates cuz poor families have no resources within the family? At least if I'm broke, I have my back ups. And I must say, it pays to be nice....I think I'm her favorite grandkid. She claimed it was because she knew I needed help, but none of the other cousins get this kind of money (she wrote me a $1000 check 3 years ago) and we all need help. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve free cars and checks made out to me...it's just me, I never do anything special.

That's all I can post for now because I am behind in all my classes. Goodnight!

Summer Is Over :(

2006-09-05T03:33:02Z

The other night I had a dream that my grandpa died. While there was a lot of guilt, it appeared to solve a lot of problems. My grandma declared last week that she wants him out of the house and into a nursing home fast....this is completely out of character. My grandma is the sweetest lady that you will ever meet, always with a kind word and remarking how blessed she is to have a wonderful life. Following her stroke, she feels as though she's lost control of her independence and that my grandfather is further perpetuating it. It breaks my heart because he is just crazy about her. A few weeks ago my mom overheard him from the other room saying "Harriet? Harriet, will you come in here please?..." when she arrives he boasts a big grin on his face and says, "Ok, thank you, I just wanted to see your face, that's all..." How can you not fall in love with that? Meanwhile, we've determined that while he is on a waiting list for a nursing home, he is not a priority and it could take at least another half year to admit him. And while my family is reluctant to take him out of his own home, we have opted for what is called "memory care". It resembles assisted living, but it focuses more on just the general routines of life. It is provided for seniors that are functioning and in relatively good health, but may just need a nudge or advice throughout the day on how the day is structured. Meanwhile, their lives are centered around activities with others, and plenty of interaction. If he is placed in a nursing home, he will just shrivel up and die. It is difficult to let go and my mom is struggling with calming my grandma down while accepting that my grandpa isn't going to be around much longer.

School starts tomorrow and I am ambivalent. The start of a new school year unofficially marks the end of summer--my favorite time of the year. Yet, I am thrilled to be stepping forward and making progress. In reflection of this past summer, I have to say that every year I feel a little wiser and a little more self aware, and I think this was my best summer yet. I worked towards a goal (running a marathon), worked full time, yet got a chance to relax, try new restaurants, and travel.

July was so stinking hot that I barely got any training runs in, but now as the marathon is nearing, I'm feeling more and more prepared. I'm nervous as hell that for some unforseen reason I won't be able to finish. Last Thursday I ran a near 20 miles. Last year I couldn't fathom how people could go out for runs that lengthened even just 8 miles. I've reached a point that I can eat whatever I want within reason (which feels comforting), and I've managed to lessen my heart rate to under 60 beats a minute, I just feel healthy. On the other hand, I am constantly fatigued, easily irritable, and always urging to get more sleep at night which never seems to happen. I can't wait for the race to be over so that I can say I did it.

There has been a year's worth of anticipation building to this moment. It's funny that the grand finale is also going to be the most difficult run I'll ever have to endure since I won't surpass 21 miles on my last long training run in a few weeks. Last year over labor day, my dad told me about when he ran the marathon. He did it while he was in graduate school, the fall after I got sick with Menningetis. I remember him telling me how great it felt that he could eat whatever he wanted that summer, and how time consuming and tedious the training runs could be. I never really figured that out until I started going runs longer than 13 miles. That's when the fatigue kicks in, when I was itching for it to be over, and when I would start craving any sugar beverage that crossed my mind. I sometimes put myself into a trance, and the time seemed to fly fast when that happened. I am relieved that for the most part, the dirty work is over, I have one run left before race day and then October 1st will be it. Now I can focus on school, and just physical maintenance. Anyway, those are my thoughts written down and jumbled. I better get to bed. Goodnight!

Strokes and Alzheimer's

2006-08-16T18:27:26Z

My grandma had a minor stroke over the weekend. It affected the area of the brain responsible for the sensory nerves. The whole left side of her body was affected and she went completely numb, but never even realized she had a stroke. It was unexpected considering how healthy she is, and that we expected the next drastic thing to happen would affect my grandpa and not her. She was in the hospital for a day and a half and was sent home once she proved she was physically able to take care of herself most of the time. Ironically the person our family is most concerned about is my grandpa because it if it weren't for her, he'd be in a nursing home.

My mom and her siblings have been alternating who will come over and monitor my grandma while taking care of my grandpa. The other night my mom told me that my grandma tried to stand up and just couldn't move. She lost feeling in her left leg and had to literally be carried to the bathroom. She was able to regain feeling at about 3 AM when she woke up to use the bathroom again, so that was a relief. However, my grandpa, on the other hand, kept my mom and uncle awake until 3:30 AM because he was convinced that he should sleep with his hearing aids in. When my mom told him no, that he should take it out he was upset and became extremely paranoid. She finally got him to set the hearing aid on the nightstand when she later discovered he popped it into his mouth. I was shocked to hear about this. I just found out last night that my grandpa has Alzheimer's (no one tells me anything). He gets worse at night with what's called the "Sundown syndrome". During the day he's able to function within normal levels for someone his age, but at night he developes parnoia, and becomes really anxious and starts stuttering. My mom has been on the phone constantly trying to hire in a home health aide now this has happened, so hopefully we'll have someone be able to stay at the condo for several hours a day to help out everyday.

So the past few days have been interesting. I am all settled into my new apartment and I'm just waiting for my new roommate to move in on Sunday. Next week is orientation and I register for my classes! (finally...) Then I'm heading to Denver a week from Friday for the weekend to attend a Beatles concert, and we're also running a 5k race on Sunday morning. That will be my last hurrah before school starts (or maybe going to my cabin over labor day weekend will be that...). Anyway, that's my update....time to get back to work, guten tag!

Eating Disorders v. Family Birth Center

2006-08-09T03:04:07Z

I think it's probably been a long while since I last updated. I can't sit still long enough to contemplate a thought I think is worth writing. This past month has been crazy busy. I moved into my apartment a little over a week ago and it is awesome! It's just south of campus and right next to the river, so it has great biking and running paths. Last week I did my 16 miler and gazed at elegant and enormous houses as I ran. I ran down to the Ford Bridge in St. Paul and went up on the west side of the river to the U of MN campus. I'm so excited that I can be situated next to the river. The marathon runs by my apartment and down the path between 19-21 mile marker areas, so it'll be good pratice.

My apartment has a huge balconcy that stretches across the length of the living room wall. There are large floor-to-ceiling windows in the living room, and ample closet space. Everyone that has seen it thus far thought it looks awesome! My roommate doens't move in until the 20th, I'm getting excited to meet her. It's urks me to come home to the place after work and have it be empty. I feel so lonesome, it's a different feeling not having company lingering around. There is a swimming pool outside, I have yet to go for a swim but I will probably try to swim tomorrow if it's not raining.

Today I started training on the Eating Disorders floor of my hospital. I am going to be "on call" HUC there, and continue with my regular labor and delivery job. I wanted to gain more experience that can help me in the public health field. It was really weird, I felt so out of place since everyone knew each other on that floor, and I knew nothing. When I compare myself to the confidence and happiness I have on the LDR floor, I can't believe how awkward it feels to be out of my comfort zone. The other striking difference that made it difficult for me to adjust was due to the confidentiality factor. Today I totally flubbed up because all the doors are locked up on the ED floor and patient's have to obtain keys to use the bathrooms and be observed, papers revealing information about them near the desk area has to be turned over and/or put away, and I noticed that some of the patients had a bad habit of lurking near the desk as though they were paranoid and eavesdropping. One of the employees of the hospital who doesn't typically work in the ED floor needed to know the punch code to one of the staff doors and I wrote the code down on paper, but she was messing it up so I inadverently started speaking loudly about the pattern (not necessarily the numbers) to punch to get the door to open. Of course there was a girl standing near the desk listening to me and the other employee until my preceptor nudged me and gave me a "shhh!" look. I felt terrible. I wasn't in the right mode and forgot how discreet I had to be. Luckily my preceptor was understanding, but there is going to be a lot for me to get used to.

Anyway, that's all I'll post for now, goodnight!

Lazy Stillwater Days

2006-07-09T21:20:04Z

Here's my update! I am terrible at updating this the way I used to, yet summers ironically turn to be the busiest time of the year for me. Why can't we grasp the same amounts of fun in the winter time like we do in the summer? My mood is definitely more perky even in the scorching hot, and I'm always wanting to be outdoors and active. In the winter I start the countdown to spring and then summer. Doesn't this sort of desire implicate I shouldn't be living in Minnesota, but someplace with minimal seasonal change? Needless to say, my summer is going awesome!

Last weekend and the first few days of the week I spent it at the cabin with my family and relatives. My brother and Abbey flew in from NYC for the week and joined us up there. My mom really surprises me. At one lazy cabin family dinner table discussion, she announced her love for Kidrock ever since he "turned country". My brother sat with his mouth agape and asked if she was serious. Well yeah, she says, I mean I don't like the trash that comes out of his mouth, but other than that I think he's a great musician (comes from the mouth of my mom who also not only bought me my ticket the Phish concert when I was a senior in high school, but helped make it a family event with everyone but my dad). Later one night when everyone else was out fishing, we were discussing religion and whether Jon and I would get married in a Catholic church. I was going on a rant about another absurdity at Jon's church that I didn't like when we went with his family last week. My mom was defending the Catholic church (she seems to always do this whenever I say something I don't like about it), which surprises me until I realize that my family has never really labeled ourselves anything but "Christian".

We attend a Baptist church, and prior to that we were members of a Covenant church. She refuses to become a member of our current one because it requires one to become baptized at an age where it is understood what is happening and why. My entire family was baptized as a baby and she doesn't feel we need to be rebaptized. When I asked her what she would call her denomination, she told me she hates categorizations, and thinks it is superficial. While she is choosy about where she attends, she doesn't hold denomination as a such a strong factor, but instead places more emphasis on how congruent it with her beliefs and practices, what the music is like (she loves nontraditional music), and a church that isn't so needy (Berean is loaded with money and is always asking for more). My mom is this petite little women that probably couldn't weigh more than 120 pounds, and she seems so fragile, but I've noticed over the years that she is so incredibly intelligent. My dad constnatly nags her to stop reading the newspaper because she spends a good 2 hours a day reading it cover to cover (obituaries and all), but it really pays off because she has so much to say. She knows a lot about everything. She wouldn't vote in 2004 because she didn't like any of the candidates, and read too much into everyone of them. She also refuses to label herself anything from music preferences to political identifications. She has the ability to truly think outside the box, and I've really started enjoying that about her.

The cabin itself was a fun trip, I went golfing and totally sucked, went fishing and caught nothing, and watched fireworks and ate a bunch of smores (I'm a pig). I returned home Wednesday night, and did my long 13 mile run on Thursday night which was not fun at all. It is near unfathomable that I am going to run 26 miles in about 3 months. Nissa and Gabe flew in Thursday morning, and my parents and I joined them in Stillwater. Gabe's family has a decent sporty type boat stored on the St. Croix. We took the boat along the river and took some dips in the river (I love swimming!). We docked in Hudson and went dining outdoors near the harbor. I was fried by the end, but I have a nice tan. I went drinking downtown that night at a few bars and had to convince a semi-drunk Jon that he couldn't play video games at 12:30 in the morning at his apartment because we had to drive and sleep at my parent's that night.

Saturday we had a big family BBQ since Nissa, Gabe, and Peter were in town and then we went back out on the boat in Stillwater in the afternoon with Nissa and Gabe's friends. I can't believe how much fun it is. As we were walking the docks in Stillwater to Gabe's boat i was noticing all the monstrous boats and I think that is the life I want....to buy a boat, have it docked on the river, and take weekend trips to the river in the summer to grill, dock, swim, and ride around. Then Jon reminded me of how much all of that would cost and I decided I needed to get rich first ;) That's all for now, ciao!

So Wanting to Move to Newport Beach

2006-06-29T00:14:08Z

When I was in Denver, Nissa convinced me to watch The OC season one on DVD. Normally I sway myself away from those TV addictions. All that was needed to lure me in was some sappy "Alleluia" song dirged into some episode that swept me emotionally off my feet. I hate those TV show DVDs, I wind up plopping on the couch for hours. They're very saturating, and I become lethargic and start wishing my life was some television show so at least I could keep myself enthralled in my otherwise mundane life. I finish one episode, and have to find out what happens in the following show. I do think Adam Brody is a hottie!

Jon and I went to visit his family in North Dakota last weekend. His family is truly wonderful. It amazes me how much they resemble my own. Jon elicits some goofy persona that I don't witness when it's just the two of us. He becomes very animated and he feels happy and comfortable in Bismarck. It sometimes makes it difficult to keep him down in Minnesota, I feel guilty that he's stayed down here because of me, but I have no urge to move which is probably selfish of me. On Saturday afternoon we ventured with his sister, cousin and grandmother 20 miles south of Bismarck to an old deserted family farm. Jon's mother's family lived on this farm which comprised of a tool shed, barn, shelter, and large open land. All remains intact though not in one unified peice. The visit evoked a depressing overtone. The house looks near collasing the next time a major storm swipes through. The mattresses that were never cleared remain with sheets tucked in as though one day the family got up and left abruptly. The tool shed's brick walls have been knocked out and all the tools remain hung on the walls. The area really gave me a sense of where Jon's family history comes from and makes me understand more Jon's loyalty to his hometown and family. The area outside is vast and open. It's amazing with rolling hills, and reminds me how beautiful the countryside can be. It's such a starking contrast to the beauty of the downtown skyline, but both never cease to amaze me.

Things at home are not quite as exciting. I have found an apartment and what's left is to sign the application, and I'll say no more until it is signed so to not jinx it. Work is hectic, the population growth is getting out of hand (or so the nurses and I complain about). I ran 12 miles a few days ago, the longest thus far. It was torture, my legs began to feel like jello by the 9th mile. I'm getting nervous about the marathon, it's a few months away and I'm so slow, my body wasn't built to run fast (curse of the Erickson genes). Anyway, I need to take off now, so I'll stop this here. Guten Tag!

Running Wild and Endorphins High

2006-06-12T15:41:23Z

I think I promised myself I would post an entry while my sister was at a work meeting at the CU Hospital in downtown Denver and I at the CU-Denver library. Now that I'm sitting here, I'm frustrated because AIM won't connect and apparently that's all that matters. I could go stroll the campus on a beautiful sunny morning, go grab my morning coffee or Starbuck's Double Shot Espresso, yet instead I insist on incessantly attempting to log onto AIM in hopes that the next click will be a success (the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again, yet expecting different results).

My weekend in Denver was unremarkable, yet, I had a good time and I always want to see my sister. I arrived late Thursday night. On Friday we ran errands, while Saturday was a big project day around the house. Dee (my sister's mother in law) insisted on painting Nissa and Gabe's garage interior and backyard fence. They also planned on ripping the carpet out of the 2 upstairs bathrooms and replacing it with tile. Finally, they're getting ready to finish their unfinished basment. What's notable about this is that Dee is paying for everything (rich people and their money...). Gabe hired his friend, Jim, whom I met at my sister's wedding last year (he was the best man) and he brought his 2 year old son, Ethan. I spent the day with Ethan taking him to the park, and watching films with him. He is an awesome kid, just recently learned to put sentences together, and is extremely athletic. That evening Nissa and I ventured south one hour to Colorado Springs with her greyhounds. We spent the night in the hotel so I could just get up and go to my race in the Garden of the Gods park which started at 7 AM.

Sunday morning I woke up at 5:30. I slept for about 4 hours, "rested" for about 2 hours. As we drove into the city the night before, I noticed I was getting a headache. I went to bed at 11 PM extremely tired, yet I couldn't get myself to fall asleep. It was really weird. My sister and I were discussing it in the morning and she read somewhere that higher altitudes can cause insomnia. Our best guess was that my body didn't want to fall asleep because I was receiving less oxygen, and I was in survival mode so to not fall asleep lest something drastic were to happen. The night before I began to get the nerves in my stomach. I was curious about how the altitude would influence me and if it would result in me having to quit (which would be perceived to me as failing something I worked so hard for). Despite all this, I arose quite rested and ready for the race. The air was crisp, cool and sunny. It was a beautiful morning and this park is amazing with all it's rock formations and scenary of the mountains. I ran in a tank and shorts, and the temperatures didn't escalate past the mid 60s by the time I finished by 9 AM which was my goal, so I was very pleased.

Before the race started, Nissa brought her digital camera and posted herself near the beginning of the course, and indicated I look for her at the pedestrian sign that alligned our road race to get an in action photo. There was nearly 1100 racers, and I parked myself towards the back. She didn't spot me amongst the mass of people slowly jogging. I tagged her down and waved which wasn't enough time for her to get a picture of me running. I kept running slow and saw her catch up with me as she ran faster on the sidewalk with the two dogs. She snapped a picture of me again and little did I know that she was still chasing after me to try it again. Joey got super excited about the runners and the poor retired racer greyhound thought she was running a race again with everyone. She yanked on the leash and startled my sister who inadvertently let go of the leash. Joey darted off chasing me (or maybe everyone else). She was several feet behind me running along while all the runners laughed and watched this (I had my headphones on and didn't hear or see a thing). Meanwhile, Nissa was still holding onto Ferris and the camera attempting to catch Joey (who Nissa signed a contract with the adoption agency to never let her and Ferris of the leash for fear they'll bolt off and injure themselves from the obstacles they run into in their paths since they know nothing about sprinting outside the race track). Everyone was cheering until Nissa finally stuck her foot out and managed to step on Joey's leash taking her aback and made her make a large choking sound. Everyone was like "awwwww".

The race itself was serene, yet tough. The mountains as a backdrop reminded me of the views I saw in Austria when I studied abroad. The course is composed of a series of 2 loops, and an abundance of hills. I did not notice the alititude affecting my breathing, but the hills were immense. The altitude varied between 6300 and 6550, and someone pointed out to me later that although I didn't directly notice the affect altitude had on my body, the hills probably wouldn't have been so laborious except that I wasn't acclimated. I finished in about 2 hours, and I must take into consideration that I started in the back of the pack. The results show that I finished near the final one quarter of runners. Regardless, I was very pleased. The vast majority of the runners were from Colorado, only a handful were from outside the state and I was one of them. Overall, it was an amazing run that left me with a feeling of great satisfaction and something to remember.

Meanwhile, I just found out that I won a scholarship within the School of Public Health for $2000 this school year. I am ecstatic, and I feel very accomplished! I declare this a very good day :)

Special! Buy One C-secion Get One Half Off!

2006-06-08T01:11:43Z

Work was a disaster today. I'm unsure if it was weather related with the temperatures in the scorching hot ranges, or if it's purely coincidential. Apparently yesterday (6.6.06) was rather an innocuous day compared with today. A young mother was rushed down the hallway seizing early this morning. She was placed in a patient room as they tried to alleviate the seizures and determine what to do next. The baby was lacking oxygen during the episode, so they decided to do a c-section. The whole situation put a scared chill up my spine as it reminded me why I work in a setting like this. I love watching the unexpected events that unravel. I never know what I can expect at work which keeps me going back for more. Later on, we wound up having 4 more c-sections which is above normal for one shift. I left the day feeling like I had downed 3 cups of coffee,. When I got home, I sat in the living room silently for an hour to calm down the adrenaline that had been rushing through me all day, it felt great.

Thankfully, I am not working through the weekend, and I leave for Denver tomorrow night. This should be a more mundane trip. My sister is working a night shift on Friday night and sleeping during the day Saturday. I will be entertaining myself since Alan is in Europe through the next month. On Sunday morning I'm running the 10 mile race that I've been talking about for months. I'm feeling very nervous because I still don't know how acclimated I am to Denver air. Colorado Springs is about another 1000 feet higher than Denver, and the temperatures start escalating as you approach the Garden of the Gods Park where I'm running. I'll have plenty of pictures to show for it afterwards online!

The week has been the typical. I throw myself into my work, and keep myself too busy so that I'm oblivious as to what is happening around me. Jon's parents finally met my parents last weekend. My dad grilled some chicken and we sat on our deck on a warm calm night for several hours as they got acquainted. My parents really liked his parents which made me happy. All four of them work in a setting pertaining to the healthcare field, so there was a lot to discuss. Last night Jon and I went to the MN History Center to view the 1936 Berlin Olympics exhibit. The show was essentially meant to educate about the rise of the Nazis during the 30s, but I liked how they intertwined the '36 Olympics into Nazi history. I find World War II and Nazi history fascinating so I had been yearning to see this display for awhile.

I can't seem to get my thoughts and feelings out anymore the way I used to in these enteries. Perhaps because nothing emotionally eventful has happened, but also because I don't give time to myself to process my thoughts and reflect. Of course this sucks for all of you cuz you get no gossip about me ;) I promise someday soon I'll write about something emotionally investing. Good night!

Camping, Vacations and Running

2006-05-29T16:08:45Z

It's Memorial Day, and I'm getting double pay for being at work ($30/hr!). Last night Jon and I trekked home in the late afternoon so I could get ample sleep before waking up for my shift this morning. We spent the weekend at my cabin after initially camping a night in Kathio State Park near Mille Lacs on Thursday night. I forgot how much I love camping! This park suited me perfectly because there were other campers and campsites near enough that I could see people around me, but far enough away that I couldn't hear very many voices/laughter which offered some privacy. The bathroom facilities were really nice which is a plus for me. Jon, on the other hand, wanted something much more remote (very interesting how much we clash).

Last week was uneventful. I worked nearly everyday, and even did a night shift which wound up only being 4 hours. On Thursday after work Jon and I headed up to Kathio. Friday morning I woke up to an unfortunate realization that my hearing aid had broken overnight. The air was so muggy the night before and all through the night, that enough moisture creeped in and shut it down. I had to switch my right hearing aid to my left ear (which isn't as loud) and wear that for the day as my left hearing aid aired out. What's even weirder is that Jon's cell phone shut down as well. I was really upset, and thought it was the end of the world (drama queen I am). That morning we went for a slow run. The park is gorgeous and the run was very therapeutic, but it got hot instantly and I was working a sweat to the point I actually got the courage to take my shift off and run in my sports bra (this is NOT my favorite thing to do, but Jon seemed to think it was awesome). He ran the 4 miles with me and I went the remaining 4 and half miles on my own to complete my "long run" for the week. At our cabin my grandma and step grandpa rode up with my parents and slept in our guest bedroom. My grandma is such a yakker, she annoyed Jon a little bit and started bothering me slightly as I was trying to just sit and read and she kept talking and talking. She apologized later and pointed out the reason she talked so much was because Harold doesn't talk to her at home (something else I didn't want to know). We caught a few fish (crappies!), went for several walks in the late morning before the temperatures scorched into the low 90s (yuk). Yesterday my dad, aunt and uncle, Jon and I went golfing in Bigfork, and I did god awful. I thought I had improved since last year, but when I later compared last year's scorecard from Bigfork to yesterday's, I realized I was 11 points higher this time around.

My grandma put her foot in her mouth again yesterday and said that I was naive and when I got a little upset she attempted to console me by saying that it wasn't a bad thing. Jon thought it was hilarious and declared that he really liked my grandma now. Meanwhile, I had to sit and defend myself until my mom chimed in and stated that she didn't I was naive in the least bit. I don't know why my grandma says such things. I suppose because I smile too much and put too much hope/faith in people. I rarely meet a person I don't like, but that doesn't mean I don't know what's going on in the world. It's just my personality.

I finally purchased my plane ticket via NWA for mid june to Denver. I'm officially going to be running one of the most beautiful races in the country on June 11th. It's a 10 miler that runs through the Garden of the Gods park in Colorado Springs. The elevation is in the 6000 range and higher than Denver. It consists of hills, and dreadfully hot temperatures...does this sound like a race you'd want to run? It starts at 7 AM just outside the park, the first two miles mostly downhill before it becomes a series of rolling hills for the remaining 8 miles. I'm very excited to do this race, but very nervous since I'm not acclimated to Denver's elevation. This race is one of 3 in a series. The reamining two are a half marathon and marathon respectively. The race I'm running is a segment of the marathon course, and the Pikes Peak marathon is supposedly one of the most difficult marathons to run in the country. This means I'm going to be running it painfully slow.

But anyway, that's the recount of my life. I have to finish this later since I'm at work, so that's all for now, good day!

Living in a Fishbowl

2006-05-21T01:49:41Z

It's been awhile since I updated. I lose the patience to actually sit down and reflect on what is happening with me. I allow myself to get caught up in the commotion and I disregard my thoughts because it's better to do and not think. When I actually sit down to type, I generally feel that it's boring and then erase what I type. Crazy, huh?

I returend home from Denver two days ago and have barely had time to sit down and check email. I finally have an hour or so before I need to get ready for bed. I have a tendency to glorify Denver like it's some magicland that carries me away from my otherwise mundane life in MN. I can't pinpoint what is so enjoyable, but I get caught up in the fun and then when it's time to return home I am overcome by misery of having to return back to work, and parting from Nissa, Gabe, and Alan. The weather is gorgeous, people are upbeat and outgoing, and the mountains amaze me. Last Sunday was a busy day. I ran the 5k Breast Cancer run at the MOA in the morning. I heard a rumor that over 50,000 people partook in some event whether it be the walk or run. I had initially planned on running my best, but once I saw the mass of people I was running with I realized that there was no way I was going to overcome the crowds and run at my own speed. So Jon and I decided to run together which was nice since I never run 5k races with him at my side. There was never an instance when people spread out enough so that I could take off. We paced 11 minute miles, but I thoroughly enjoyed running since it felt comfortable. Afterwards, swarms of people shifted through the tiny parking lot of booths, free food, and activities. We left after an hour because it got to be far too many people. I then flew out to Denver that night.

On Monday night Alan, Nissa, Gabe and I went to a CO Rockies game. They lost, unfortunately, but I barely felt upset because that field is awesome. It's an outdoor stadium (the way it should be) with gorgeous views of the mountain. After the game, we went to a bar to "bon voyage" Alan. He leaves for Rome in a few days to study architecture for a month in an abroad program. The fun part came afterwards when we became obssessed with the idea of seeing the Real World house that is yet to be occupied with the latest cast and filmers. Supposedly they start taping at the end of this month. Archie had looked up the address beforehand and we realized it was barely 2 blocks from Coors Field. The house was still under construction which is a little scary since they are moving in very soon. The windows had paper covering so we couldn't even poke our heads through the windows. A guy was sitting on a stool right outside the house and tried to deter us from taking photos for whatever reason yet, fortunately, my sister got camera happy and we got several shots. We settled on a bar called The Tavern which was across the street and got the lowdown from the server. She said that the Real World signed a contract with their bar that they would be the main bar that the cast goes to when they head out. We're not sure what this means, but it probably includes free drinks for the cast whenever they want. The place is real posh, and only opened a month or two ago. There is an indoor bowling alley with tiny bowling balls etc. I even saw some of those ditzy blonde girls sitting at the bar that you roll your eyes at when you watch past Real World seasons when the guys meet these crazy sluts at the bar. Anyway, we were extremely excited about our "discovery" and Nissa and I fully intend on invading the house next month when I visit, haha. On Tuesday we went to Body Worlds at the Science Museum. It includes actual humans that agreed to donate their bodies to science after they had died. The coolest part for me was the gestational station that showed the various sizes of embryos and fetuses at various gestational ages. They even had a pregnant 5 month old mom. The skin was peeled off so that the surface was muscle, and then then they peeled open the stomach so you could see where the fetus was perched inside the womb. VERY interesting! This exhibit is going on in St. Paul right now as well, I highly recommend you go if you have not already.

I settled on purchasing a one way ticket, and driving home with Gabe's mom. I got to drive her gas guzzling, sattelite radioed, DVD playing SUV. Fortunatley for me, Dee was not frugal with her money and bought me whatever I wanted the whole ride home and blasted the A/C even when I was chilly and had the seat warmer turned on. We have become closer in the past year, and despite how eccentric she is, we had a good ride home. It was a 15 hour drive, but it barely felt more than 8 hours. Anyway, that's all I can write for now because I need to get in the shower before I head for bed. Tomorrow is Jon's big 2-4 and we're going to a secret restaurant that I can't reveal here until afterwards. I haven't settled on a birthday present, but I'm sure something will come to me ;) Gute Nacht!

Life After 23 Isn't All too Exciting

2006-05-11T01:58:44Z

The other night I nestled myself on the couch, all comfy and relaxed and watched some Friends on DVD. Halfway through the show in a matter of a minute, I bolted to my feet and standing on the couch screaming bloody murder. Of course, this doesn't matter to my parents. My mom still stayed in the bathroom, my dad was upstairs in bed reading a book before going to sleep. I actually saw a mouse! It crouched itself under the crack of the guest bedroom door, trottled around the open area near the television, then it heard me scream and froze for a second like a spider would when it knows it's within fatal danger. Then it started running around again oblivious to the fact that I was tiptoeing up and down the couch screaming for my dad to get downstairs and kill the damn thing.

No one came downstairs. I could have been attacked by a rapist and brutally beaten to death and my dad would've still been invested in his book, and my mom would've stayed in her bathroom. My dad ordered me to buy mousetraps and some d-con, and since then, the mouse has eaten the peanut butter off the trap, but managed not to get killed. He also wanted to know why I was so afraid of a mouse at home when I hardly notice them at our cabin. I didn't really have a reason for him except that I just know to be on edge and high alert at the cabin. I can expect that a tiger spider may be crawling up the wall as I go to the bathroom or that a mouse will run along the base of the wall as we're playing cards a few feet away. I know it's coming, and I just accept that's part of the character of the cabin. Meanwhile, back at home, I don't expect that a mouse is going to crawl under the crack of my bedroom door as I'm sleeping peacefully in my bedroom. It's interesting how those two environments can control my reactions in that manner.

Jon, Anna, and I are prepping for race #2 on Sunday. This time it's the Race for the Cure at the Mall of America. This should be an awesome race with lots of participants, free food, and events prior to and post race. I bought a plane ticket on near impulse (within a few days of making the decision) to go to Denver and see Alan before he flies to Rome, as well as my sister and Gabe. I'm super excited to go! I leave that Sunday evening by plane (as in a few days from now) and am driving back with my brother in law's mother in her giant SUV. She's probably going to pay for all the gas, food, and anything I find compelled to have as we make that voyage back to MN from Denver. I think that's about all the updates you'll get for now. I have work in the morning and I need to start getting ready for bed and for tomorrow. Goodnight!

Running in the Rain

2006-04-30T19:29:46Z

Yesterday Anna, Jon and I ran a 5k in the rain at the U of MN campus. The race was held amongst other Spring Jam Festivities. It was lightly raining when we arrived, but nonetheless only about 30 people were there to run it. The vast majority were in shape college students, and a few older runners who were probably in even better condition. I realized only that morning at Jon's apartment that I forgot to pack a sports bra, and I had to pursue the run in a regular bra, which is NOT cool.

Anna and I wound up in the back of the pack. I was miserable, my hearing aids were getting wet, and I didn't have the proper rain attire hence I wore drenched sweat pants and a bulky DG rain coat. Poor Jon was even further behind and I was starting to feel bad that I put him through such pain and torment making him run a 5k (Ok, I didn't make him, but there may have been some manipulation involved). Just as he approached the finish line and I was expecting the feedback of "never again" he instead exclaims, "that was the best 5k I ever ran!" I ask him why, and he tells me that he found a $20 in a puddle dropped by a runner ahead of him. He was beaming, so I was relieved.

And that's how the weekend has gone. I went to Baker's Square on Friday night with my grandparents on both sides, my parents, and Jon. Has anyone else noticed that the meal size has become considerably smaller within the past year or two? Now I must go, just called a c-section. Ciao!

Marathon Registration Complete

2006-04-26T15:49:37Z

Last night Jon and I walked to Nicollet Mall for the kick off celebration to register for the Twin Cities Marathon. It gives me chills every time I think about it. I love watching runners, especially the elite ones, and I enjoy seeing races. So what was really cool (and not so much for Eazy) was the kick-off one mile race last night that started in Loring Park (his neighborhood and right on HIS street) and extended for one mile onto Nicollet Mall. Parking in his neighborhood yesterday was a real bitch because over 1000 entered. I think the one miler finshed on 6th or 5th street and Nicollet. We went to the plaza on 11th and Nicollet which is where Brit's is located (oohhh la la). I was pumped to fill out a registration form before anyone else in the world could. The point of the party was to give the locals a chance to register first. Official registration for everyone else started this morning at 12:01 AM online. The fee was $85, it covers all water/gatorade stations, a shirt, some sort of finisher blanket (what in the world are those called?) contingent on finishing the run in under 6 hours, and a commemorative gift (yay to the 25th celebration). Regardless, this large monetary chunk deters me from backing out now...it's for real.

I realize that I've been incessantly blabbing around to my co-workers, friends, and family about running and races LATELY. I'm so happy to finally find my niche because there aren't a whole lot of things I genuinely enjoy doing. I have a tendency to linger through phases of activities in which I become extremely enthusiastic for awhile reading countless articles, buying books and wanting to learn everything about it and then my interests begin to dwindle as I find something new to learn. It reminds me of people with bipolar disorder who take on new acitivities and won't slow down until they start losing interest a few months later, but obviously it is to a much lesser extent. Running is something that is sticking with me. Last night when I saw the runners as the next wave started, I felt a chill and knot form in my stomach, a wave rushing through my stomach and it makes me smile. I can't describe it. Of course I need to calm down, but for now I'll just be happy that I'm officially part of the October 1st Marathon in the Twin Cities.

My Favorite Part About Running is the 23 Hours of the Day When I'm Not Running

2006-04-20T22:39:31Z

My schedule is starting to revolve around a running schedule. Two years ago after my sister got engaged, her mind was always on wedding planning. Everything she discussed seemed to pertain to wedding paraphernalia and planning. We'd be at a grocery store and she would want to ask the flower lady about the hydrangea's because those were the flowers she was displaying at the ceremony. It got to be so constant that I started pointing it out not because I was irritated, but only to see if she had noticed her constancy. Nonstop for 3 months, she was all about that wedding. She couldn't help it. At that time I talked about school nonstop because that's what I partaking in day in and day out. It's inevitable.

Now that the marathon is 6 months away and training has started, I probably bring it up about 3 times a day. I'm really excited about it, I get that endorphin high when I'm running and realizing that every step I take makes me stronger, faster (ok maybe not) and builds endurance. I'm starting to sign up for the 5ks, and marathon kick-off party is on Tuesday which allows locals to register at a restaurant off Nicollet Mall before everyone else does.

Last night I got extremely overwhlemed to the point it made me uncomfortable. I got nervous just thinking about taking on such a huge task. I've already started to lose weight, and I'm wearing myself to the extent that mid afternoon naps may do me well (I hate taking midday naps). I'm afraid this marathon is going to be some grand finale to all the exciting workouts I engaged in to build to the moment, and then when it's over I will think, now what?

Besides that, there is not a whole lot of new things in my life. I'm still looking for an apartment I know exactly where I want to live, but something is shying me away from living alone. I WANT A ROOMMATE! I have a place all picked out, I just need the company. I confirmed with the U of MN that I will attend their Public Health grad program in the fall. I've also been working full time for the past month and a half and have a few more weeks left of that. Soon these spots will be filled by new HUCs, which makes me sad because work has become my life. I'll have to settle back to 25-30 hours a week again at that point. I'm raking in the dough, but I'm losing it all because I generated some idea that paying up my school loans in large monthly sums of money was a great idea. The idea of paying it all off until 2016 didn't appeal to me. Despite how much money I've accumulated, I need to move out. I heard a rumor gas prices are rising to $3 by summer and I simply cannot fathom where that money will come from if I stay in Eagan and commute everywhere. I intend on moving to downtown, buying a bus pass and using my vehicle sparingly (as in, only to work and back to Eagan).

Now it's time to make dinner. I'll update more soon because I have a lot more I want to say, but I'm about ready to fall asleep in this chair....

Stolen From Alan

2006-04-12T04:11:50Z

I can't generate new ideas this late at night, therefore I just fill in the blanks....

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Kate
Birthplace: Minneapolis
Current Location: Eagan
Eye Color: Blue
Hair Color: Blonde with dark streaks
Height: 5'8"
Your Heritage: You'd not doubt a second that I was 100% Swedish
The Shoes You Wore Today: Athletic shoes, and running shoes with springs in it while running (duh)
Your Weakness: food
Your Fears: not being happy for the rest of my life
Your Perfect Pizza: a really tasty fat free pizza (yeah right)
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Marathon in the fall
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: lol
Thoughts First Waking Up: What's for breakfast? (I love food)
Your Best Physical Feature: my clavicle (so that one boy of mine says....)
Your Bedtime: before 11 PM usually
Your Most Missed Memory: being in Austria with Alex and Carrie
Pepsi or Coke: Coke zero
MacDonalds or Burger King: neither
Single or Group Dates: A little of both
Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: coffee
Do you Smoke: no
Do you Swear: yes
Do you Sing: no
Do you Shower Daily: sometimes when I work I will, otherwise I'm a stinky Bosnian
Have you Been in Love: Yep
Do you want to get Married: yes maybe when i'm 35
Do you belive in yourself: absolutely
Are you a Health Freak: absolutely (I'll annoy the hell out of you with it)
Do you get along with your Parents: for the most part
Do you like Thunderstorms: love them
Do you play an Instrument: used to play the clarinet and the piano
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: wine, wine, and maybe a Summit Pale Ale or Mai bock in there
In the past month have you Smoked: no
In the past month have you been on Drugs: no
In the past month have you gone on a Date: liek 3 times a week!? I guess....
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: not any
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: daily!
How do you want to Die: I don't want it to linger, but i want a chance to say goodbye
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: aren't we grown up? I want to work/study with families and pregnant women to ensure the best for their lives
What country would you most like to Visit: Rome! (ok that's not a country, Kate)
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: blue
Favourite Hair Color: brown of blond
Short or Long Hair: short
Height: a little bit taller than me
Weight: averageish
Best Clothing Style: your own style
Number of Drugs I have taken: 1
Number of CDs I own: hardly any, they're all on the computer
Number of Piercings: 3
Number of Tattoos: 0
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Nothing I will reveal in one line....